Love to Lost

Well I thought I post again just to try and get some feelings out. I have been travelling a lot...my way of running away from the reality of my life. It does not really work because I always have to come back home...the home where my beloved husband hung himself on Aug 23, 2011. To this day I am not able to go down to the basement alone. I had my brother and his common law and her daughter move in with me in mid June but sadly it has not helped that much. They live primarily in the basement (it is finished) and I even have trouble going down there when they are there. I have been really trying to deal with my grief issues but I am struggling. The PTSD symptoms are insane! I have fallen back into the world of restricting and have not been able to stop.

I had been receiving a lot of pressure from my in-laws to send them a picture of the monument that I designed for my husband and was finally placed in the cemetery. Problem was that I had been unable to go to the cemetery for over a year. But a few weeks ago I was feeling a bit stronger so I went. This is what I wrote when I got back from the cemetery:

Love to Lost

Two hearts joined as one,
eager anticipation of the life to come
Smiles, hugs, warmth,
the rest of the world disappeared
Love filled the universe,
precious moments, lingering in each others eyes
Countless marriage proposals, happiness

Then came the day of chaos
You walked down those stairs for the last time
You were walking away from me, smiles,
hugs, warmth, and love
Now you are under the earth
Our two hearts are now joined as one by a piece of
cold, hard granite

Oh my love, why did you leave?
I want to lay in the snow next to you
I want to hold your hand and  look into your eyes
Our love that filled the universe was supposed to last forever
I am lost without you



So my in-laws got the pictures they wanted and I am left fighting every minute not to go and lay in the snow next to my husband. I am not afraid to die anymore. I want to be with him, I do not want to live in this messed up world of pain anymore. It is odd that I have actually made it this far. I have a trip planned for Dec 17-24 and I am taking a good friend, otherwise I think I would already be gone. I know deep down that suicide is not the answer...I hate hurting people. Being on the other side of suicide I am acutely aware of the immense pain that it causes...I guess that is my anchor to this world for now. I have been trying to leave a legacy behind...I now have two poems published. I know that my husband would have been very proud...so the publications are bittersweet.

I continue to be trapped with the images of finding my husband and the constant flashbacks from the day of chaos. My only solace at the moment is that I can control what I do or do not put in my mouth. No one is monitoring my weight or blood work so I just continue into the abyss.

Agony...warning graphic and triggering information

I apologize for not posting in a while. I came home on August 23, 2011 to the most devastating sight. I found my beautiful husband hanging in the basement of our home. I called 911, cut him down and did CPR. I was sure that  he was going to make it, then the EMS told me that he was gone. I screamed for about two days straight begging him to breathe and to come back to me. I can not describe to you the pain I feel inside. I am so lost without him. I cried today because I had to take the garbage out and that was his job. I cried today because I had to finalize the monument for my beautiful husband. He made my life a fairy tale, he doted on me, he loved me unconditionally. I have only ever had two people love me unconditionally...my husband and my Gran...now they are both gone. I will admit that I thought of joining them..quite seriously in fact but something is keeping me anchored to this stupid life of mine. I am lost. Grief rips at my soul every minute of every day. I am continually dissociating in the middle of conversations. I don't remember things. I just want to fly away from this pain but my wings and spirit are broken. Kent, my love, my dream come true, I will love you forever and always, I will love you to the moon and back. I would do anything to bring you back my sweet, sweet husband. I would die for you...I would do anything. Until we meet again my lovely husband, until we meet again...For those that are low please get help, suicide leaves gaping holes in people's spirits..it is simply not the answer even though I know it is the easy choice to make. I beg you please get help. I can't help Kent anymore, I tried, I really tried but I couldn't...I am here if you need an ear.

Back Again

I must apologize for not being on here as much as I would like. I have had many days that I have just stayed in bed because I could not cope with getting up. I am pretty messed up right now. My hubby is still not working and he is around all the time...I need to be alone! He is respecting me when I ask to be alone but I want to be really alone. I don't want the guilty looks I get when I refuse to eat or the disappointment when I binge and purge. I have been b/p free for about a week now and no purging either. I am taking diuretics and laxatives daily but only 2 of each so not bad. I hate myself for being so fat and I can hardly look at myself in the mirror anymore. I got a new tattoo...the NEDA recovery symbol and then hope written under it. I am no where even close to wanting recovery but somehow I feel it is good to have the tattoo as a reminder that maybe someday I can escape this fucking darkness. All I have is screams in my head and fears. I don't like to eat anything but have been eating a bit...under 500 cals though...that is a very strict rule that I can not break or I will die.

I found a poem that I wrote in 2009 that I thought I would share. It is called Lie to Me

Lie to me as I bleed,
why can't I let go?
Lie to me as I struggle to breathe,
not good enough
Lie to me as my heart freezes,
the burden grows
Lie to me as I lose my grip,
I slowly fall
Lie to me as my soul crushes,
so much pressure,
Why can't I say no

Tears choke me,
so built up, like a mountain
Tear of fear, as I finally say no,
goodbye lie, I try

Choose the day, lie to me no more
Voices, voices they lie and my tears roll
Lie to me

My own inner voice lies,
capturing my thoughts,
driving my behaviours,
time to stop,
to glide free, to see tomorrow,
to get out of my head,
to stand to battle,
to be blessed

I can still relate to this poem a bit but the last part about standing for battle and to be blessed does not have any part in my current life. I am just like a dead person walking with no light or passion to reignite life into their soul. I am in darkness and nothing can help me now. Thanks for following my blog...comments are always welcome <3

So, I stay in the safety of my cage...I am sure there are many that can relate...Peace out.

Insomnia and other random thoughts...

Insomnia...my living hell. Not only am I tortured by ed's voice during the day...I am now terrorized at night. I take a lot of sleep meds and I am still wide awake. I feel like cutting really bad but I won't right now. I tend to carve words into my body and they scar...I don't heal well. Today has been a bad day...I was very worried about a friend and had to take some drastic measures to ensure her safety...she is okay and still talking to me. So I guess I should feel good about that...right? Why is it then that I feel like a fat fucking shithead. Could be because I polluted my body with food today. So much for my fast...I am a fucking, pathetic loser. I really have no good excuse to give for my existence. I am not worth the air I breathe and I certainly take up way too much space with my fat fuck of a body. Demon food will not get me tomorrow...I am determined not to fail again.

Starting Over...

Well I have not written in a while..I have been sick again...lung infections etc. I ended up gaining more weight than I am willing to say but needless to say I feel like a grotesque monster. I don't know why I allow myself to eat over my 500 calorie limit because I just end up gaining and hating myself even more than I already do. So today I started over..zero calories. I feel a bit better but I still feel gross. I am going to fast until August 4...come hell or high water. I am not giving up this time! I have to purify my body and soul. I need to rid my body of the demon I call food. I know that I will begin to feel better by day three. Empty and pure...if I eat then I just feel too much and I am tortured by all the bad things that have happened in my stupid life. I will fly free again someday. I will not let the ed clinic get in my way..I will remove myself if I have to. I am going voluntarily so they can't do much unless I am medically unstable...this won't happen because I am sooooo FAT! I just wish that this process of disappearing went a lot faster.

I'm back!

I have been in hospital (intensive care unit) because of my asthma...just got out of hospital today...seriously fml. I have no immune system and I always come out of hospital heavier than when I went in...this time my blood pressure kept tanking so they kept pumping me full of IV fluids...I have gained ten pounds in a week...FUCK! I feel so out of control right now. Starting tomorrow I am back on my 500 cal or less meal plan. I have to get this weight off and fast. I could hardly do up my jeans! I feel so ugly and dirty right now. I don't even have ankles right now...just looks like tree trunks :(

Fasting again...

Today was day two of my fast. I allowed myself to eat for three days and I was feeling very out of control so I am back to fasting. I am having some problems with my electrolytes but nothing too serious as far as I am concerned. I need to feel empty...it makes me feel cleaner and more in control of my crazy life. I need to lose so much weight and I do get discouraged but I will reach my UGW of 90 pounds. I don't care if I die trying...I need this...it is all I know.