I must apologize for not being on here as much as I would like. I have had many days that I have just stayed in bed because I could not cope with getting up. I am pretty messed up right now. My hubby is still not working and he is around all the time...I need to be alone! He is respecting me when I ask to be alone but I want to be really alone. I don't want the guilty looks I get when I refuse to eat or the disappointment when I binge and purge. I have been b/p free for about a week now and no purging either. I am taking diuretics and laxatives daily but only 2 of each so not bad. I hate myself for being so fat and I can hardly look at myself in the mirror anymore. I got a new tattoo...the NEDA recovery symbol and then hope written under it. I am no where even close to wanting recovery but somehow I feel it is good to have the tattoo as a reminder that maybe someday I can escape this fucking darkness. All I have is screams in my head and fears. I don't like to eat anything but have been eating a bit...under 500 cals though...that is a very strict rule that I can not break or I will die.
I found a poem that I wrote in 2009 that I thought I would share. It is called Lie to Me
Lie to me as I bleed,
why can't I let go?
Lie to me as I struggle to breathe,
not good enough
Lie to me as my heart freezes,
the burden grows
Lie to me as I lose my grip,
I slowly fall
Lie to me as my soul crushes,
so much pressure,
Why can't I say no
Tears choke me,
so built up, like a mountain
Tear of fear, as I finally say no,
goodbye lie, I try
Choose the day, lie to me no more
Voices, voices they lie and my tears roll
Lie to me
My own inner voice lies,
capturing my thoughts,
driving my behaviours,
time to stop,
to glide free, to see tomorrow,
to get out of my head,
to stand to battle,
to be blessed
I can still relate to this poem a bit but the last part about standing for battle and to be blessed does not have any part in my current life. I am just like a dead person walking with no light or passion to reignite life into their soul. I am in darkness and nothing can help me now. Thanks for following my blog...comments are always welcome <3
So, I stay in the safety of my cage...I am sure there are many that can relate...Peace out.
