Insomnia and other random thoughts...

Insomnia...my living hell. Not only am I tortured by ed's voice during the day...I am now terrorized at night. I take a lot of sleep meds and I am still wide awake. I feel like cutting really bad but I won't right now. I tend to carve words into my body and they scar...I don't heal well. Today has been a bad day...I was very worried about a friend and had to take some drastic measures to ensure her safety...she is okay and still talking to me. So I guess I should feel good about that...right? Why is it then that I feel like a fat fucking shithead. Could be because I polluted my body with food today. So much for my fast...I am a fucking, pathetic loser. I really have no good excuse to give for my existence. I am not worth the air I breathe and I certainly take up way too much space with my fat fuck of a body. Demon food will not get me tomorrow...I am determined not to fail again.

Starting Over...

Well I have not written in a while..I have been sick again...lung infections etc. I ended up gaining more weight than I am willing to say but needless to say I feel like a grotesque monster. I don't know why I allow myself to eat over my 500 calorie limit because I just end up gaining and hating myself even more than I already do. So today I started over..zero calories. I feel a bit better but I still feel gross. I am going to fast until August 4...come hell or high water. I am not giving up this time! I have to purify my body and soul. I need to rid my body of the demon I call food. I know that I will begin to feel better by day three. Empty and pure...if I eat then I just feel too much and I am tortured by all the bad things that have happened in my stupid life. I will fly free again someday. I will not let the ed clinic get in my way..I will remove myself if I have to. I am going voluntarily so they can't do much unless I am medically unstable...this won't happen because I am sooooo FAT! I just wish that this process of disappearing went a lot faster.

I'm back!

I have been in hospital (intensive care unit) because of my asthma...just got out of hospital today...seriously fml. I have no immune system and I always come out of hospital heavier than when I went in...this time my blood pressure kept tanking so they kept pumping me full of IV fluids...I have gained ten pounds in a week...FUCK! I feel so out of control right now. Starting tomorrow I am back on my 500 cal or less meal plan. I have to get this weight off and fast. I could hardly do up my jeans! I feel so ugly and dirty right now. I don't even have ankles right now...just looks like tree trunks :(