Agony...warning graphic and triggering information

I apologize for not posting in a while. I came home on August 23, 2011 to the most devastating sight. I found my beautiful husband hanging in the basement of our home. I called 911, cut him down and did CPR. I was sure that  he was going to make it, then the EMS told me that he was gone. I screamed for about two days straight begging him to breathe and to come back to me. I can not describe to you the pain I feel inside. I am so lost without him. I cried today because I had to take the garbage out and that was his job. I cried today because I had to finalize the monument for my beautiful husband. He made my life a fairy tale, he doted on me, he loved me unconditionally. I have only ever had two people love me unconditionally...my husband and my Gran...now they are both gone. I will admit that I thought of joining them..quite seriously in fact but something is keeping me anchored to this stupid life of mine. I am lost. Grief rips at my soul every minute of every day. I am continually dissociating in the middle of conversations. I don't remember things. I just want to fly away from this pain but my wings and spirit are broken. Kent, my love, my dream come true, I will love you forever and always, I will love you to the moon and back. I would do anything to bring you back my sweet, sweet husband. I would die for you...I would do anything. Until we meet again my lovely husband, until we meet again...For those that are low please get help, suicide leaves gaping holes in people's spirits..it is simply not the answer even though I know it is the easy choice to make. I beg you please get help. I can't help Kent anymore, I tried, I really tried but I couldn't...I am here if you need an ear.

Back Again

I must apologize for not being on here as much as I would like. I have had many days that I have just stayed in bed because I could not cope with getting up. I am pretty messed up right now. My hubby is still not working and he is around all the time...I need to be alone! He is respecting me when I ask to be alone but I want to be really alone. I don't want the guilty looks I get when I refuse to eat or the disappointment when I binge and purge. I have been b/p free for about a week now and no purging either. I am taking diuretics and laxatives daily but only 2 of each so not bad. I hate myself for being so fat and I can hardly look at myself in the mirror anymore. I got a new tattoo...the NEDA recovery symbol and then hope written under it. I am no where even close to wanting recovery but somehow I feel it is good to have the tattoo as a reminder that maybe someday I can escape this fucking darkness. All I have is screams in my head and fears. I don't like to eat anything but have been eating a bit...under 500 cals though...that is a very strict rule that I can not break or I will die.

I found a poem that I wrote in 2009 that I thought I would share. It is called Lie to Me

Lie to me as I bleed,
why can't I let go?
Lie to me as I struggle to breathe,
not good enough
Lie to me as my heart freezes,
the burden grows
Lie to me as I lose my grip,
I slowly fall
Lie to me as my soul crushes,
so much pressure,
Why can't I say no

Tears choke me,
so built up, like a mountain
Tear of fear, as I finally say no,
goodbye lie, I try

Choose the day, lie to me no more
Voices, voices they lie and my tears roll
Lie to me

My own inner voice lies,
capturing my thoughts,
driving my behaviours,
time to stop,
to glide free, to see tomorrow,
to get out of my head,
to stand to battle,
to be blessed

I can still relate to this poem a bit but the last part about standing for battle and to be blessed does not have any part in my current life. I am just like a dead person walking with no light or passion to reignite life into their soul. I am in darkness and nothing can help me now. Thanks for following my blog...comments are always welcome <3

So, I stay in the safety of my cage...I am sure there are many that can relate...Peace out.

Insomnia and other random thoughts...

Insomnia...my living hell. Not only am I tortured by ed's voice during the day...I am now terrorized at night. I take a lot of sleep meds and I am still wide awake. I feel like cutting really bad but I won't right now. I tend to carve words into my body and they scar...I don't heal well. Today has been a bad day...I was very worried about a friend and had to take some drastic measures to ensure her safety...she is okay and still talking to me. So I guess I should feel good about that...right? Why is it then that I feel like a fat fucking shithead. Could be because I polluted my body with food today. So much for my fast...I am a fucking, pathetic loser. I really have no good excuse to give for my existence. I am not worth the air I breathe and I certainly take up way too much space with my fat fuck of a body. Demon food will not get me tomorrow...I am determined not to fail again.

Starting Over...

Well I have not written in a while..I have been sick again...lung infections etc. I ended up gaining more weight than I am willing to say but needless to say I feel like a grotesque monster. I don't know why I allow myself to eat over my 500 calorie limit because I just end up gaining and hating myself even more than I already do. So today I started over..zero calories. I feel a bit better but I still feel gross. I am going to fast until August 4...come hell or high water. I am not giving up this time! I have to purify my body and soul. I need to rid my body of the demon I call food. I know that I will begin to feel better by day three. Empty and pure...if I eat then I just feel too much and I am tortured by all the bad things that have happened in my stupid life. I will fly free again someday. I will not let the ed clinic get in my way..I will remove myself if I have to. I am going voluntarily so they can't do much unless I am medically unstable...this won't happen because I am sooooo FAT! I just wish that this process of disappearing went a lot faster.

I'm back!

I have been in hospital (intensive care unit) because of my asthma...just got out of hospital today...seriously fml. I have no immune system and I always come out of hospital heavier than when I went in...this time my blood pressure kept tanking so they kept pumping me full of IV fluids...I have gained ten pounds in a week...FUCK! I feel so out of control right now. Starting tomorrow I am back on my 500 cal or less meal plan. I have to get this weight off and fast. I could hardly do up my jeans! I feel so ugly and dirty right now. I don't even have ankles right now...just looks like tree trunks :(

Fasting again...

Today was day two of my fast. I allowed myself to eat for three days and I was feeling very out of control so I am back to fasting. I am having some problems with my electrolytes but nothing too serious as far as I am concerned. I need to feel empty...it makes me feel cleaner and more in control of my crazy life. I need to lose so much weight and I do get discouraged but I will reach my UGW of 90 pounds. I don't care if I die trying...I need this...it is all I know.

Gingerly stepping out of the Cage

I have come to realize that I will never move forward unless I face some of my fears. I will never be able to get the EMDR trauma therapy that I desperately need. So here are some fears I have faced in the last week: conflict with my Mother, was open with my sisters, went shopping for clothes, went for a bra fitting, ate after fasting for 5 days, applied to volunteer at the Cancer Society, turned 40, continually dealt with depression, anxiety, insomnia, flashbacks, nightmares and body sensations, I ventured out of the safety of my cage, I allowed myself to feel anger and hurt, acknowledged that I can never be perfect, was honest with my cousin, had a heart to heart with my younger brother about our parents, looked up swim times, went through my closet and got rid of two large bags of clothes (too big), stayed alive for my family, asked for support, cried, trying to accept that I will not be having a child, grieved miscarriage, allowed myself to feel loved on my b-day, and I made a new friend who is in recovery from ed.

My first try at a positive poem:
HOPE
filled with wonder, breathing in the air
a song filling my being
positive energy flowing around me
sun beaming, warming my soul
enveloped by love
choices not torture
my heart welcomes the warmth
freedom in my hands
I have time
I have faith
I can be strong again
hope

Song of the day: I have a dream by Abba...:)

40th Birthday

Well I have survived my 40th birthday. I was very overwhelmed by all of the well wishers...both friends and family <3 I went to see my psychologist today and she really helped me see that I need to grieve the loss of my miscarriage in 1997 and now knowing that I will not be having children...she called it a tragedy...I agree but my hubby is still unwilling to have children.

The highlight of my day was seeing my brother, his girlfriend and her little 3 year old girl. I love them all so much...totally made my day. I got to cuddle and kiss my three year old niece (not by blood but by love she is and always will be my niece). I loved watching her freely playing, drinking cream soda, getting covered in cupcake icing, blowing kisses and talking on her play cell phone. She lit my day right up! I wish that I could be as free as her...she is so loved and I was a neglected child. I feel so honoured to be part of her life.

The eating disorder went crazy today...I let myself eat but now the chatter I have been hearing all day has turned to very loud and aggressive yelling. I want to purge but it is likely too late...fack :(  I want to be free...fly weightless along the treetops.  I want to cut my stomach up but I don't want anymore scars. I am not sure what to do. I wonder if I will ever be okay...

Failure

I broke down and ate today...I am so angry with myself. My monster body betrayed me yet again. I know that I will have to eat again tomorrow because it is my birthday. I feel like such a loser! Starting June 23 I am going back to my 500 cal or less per day diet plan. I need to keep losing, cleansing...

The fast continues...

Well I have now fasted for five days now...zero calories..I am high on starvation! I walked tons today and I feel good about that as well. I went shopping again and got more cute things. My favourite purchase is a cute pair of puma flats! Walking around the mall I noticed all sizes and shapes of people and I did not feel like the biggest person for once...very weird experience. I must say that it still feels odd to shop and feel alright about it. I am still sickened by my body but I feel more in control because of the fasting. I intend to fast at least until the 30th...food just makes me feel filthy, out of control and sick. I MUST lose more weight...I MUST feel my bones...I MUST cleanse!

Roller Coaster Day

Today has been an emotional roller coaster...mostly to due with my mother. I asked for a picture of my Gran for my b-day because I want to get it tattoo'd on my shoulder. My mother called me bawling because she could not find it today and asked me if I still wanted her to come see me...she said that she was not good enough for me and laid a huge guilt trip on me. After many tears and calls to my support person and my brother I was calmed down. I have such a messed up relationship with my Mom. I love her but she was not a mother to me...I spent more time with my Gran and she was the light to my darkness and always will be. She passed away in 2005 and my heart aches for her everyday. The day turned out okay...went early b-day shopping. I usually hate clothes shopping but I actually had some fun. I bought new jeans and cute tops from American Eagle Outfitters..a store that I love and have not been able to shop in because I was too fat. I am still a grotesque monster but I have dropped ten sizes so I guess that is an improvement. I just want to be a size zero or 2 again. I miss feeling my bones. Today was day three of my fast and I did well. I was initially nauseated but then felt hyper! I did tons of walking and then when I got home I ventured into the darkness (my closet) and got rid of a lot of clothes and made room for the new ones. I must stay strong and continue to cleanse...

I pray that my weight continues to drop!

Day Two

Well my day went okay. I kept myself busy and was successful in fasting again. Slowly I will cleanse my body, mind and soul. I also went on the Treadclimber and it felt great! Not much else happening today.

Latest Poem:

screaming into nothingness
crying in silence
I would die for you
bones are what I crave
yet I continue to stumble and fall
deeper and deeper
ready to go to a sacred place
ana...my refuge...the light to my darkness

I will reach my goal! 

The first day...

I feel lost in my monster body. I feel filthy and disgusting. I have decided that in order to cleanse my body and soul that I am going to fast. I need to regain some control over my body and life....

My Refuge

The Cage

So I keep myself locked in a cage...metaphorically. Why? Well inside the cage I don't have to eat, no one can touch or abuse me in any way, I don't have to face my fears, I don't really even need to feel too much, I am safer. Sure the cage is dark and there is constant screaming but still it is better...or is it? These are my wonderings for the moment. I am so afraid to leave the cage because I don't want to be traumatized again and I don't really know how to live my life. The eating disorder is all I know....I really loathe myself. No matter what I do I am just not going to be good enough.

Photo that expresses how I feel

A day filled with tears

Well I am not doing well today. I am so depressed and I can't figure anything out. My husband has told me in no uncertain terms that we will not be having children. I am devastated...I lost a baby in 1997 (miscarriage). I would have a 13 year old now but fml. I know I am not healthy enough to have kids and it would be so complicated because I don't ovulate...so a lot of interventin would be needed.

I am also realling missing my Gran who passed away in 2005. I would do just about anything to be with her. In fact last night I had my hands full of pills and was ready to go. I took 4 and then realized I would be found out so I stopped....seriously fml. So sorry I am just feeling sorry for myself.

Then there was my ED therapy session today. I adore my therapist and normally I leave feeling better. Today I bawled all the way home. She is questioning whether I am staying sick just so that I can continue to be in therapy. I am so confused. She is pushing me to get out of my safety zone and face fears and feelings. I have to do this before she will do EMDR trauma work with me. I also have to be medically stable...whatever. I am so lost and confused. I feel like I am trapped in my monster body and I hate it.

Poem I wrote for today:

tattered feathers, torn and bleeding
falling forever, broken dreams
screaming into the silence, no one to hear me
escape?
I am held steadfast in fear
can't stop the pain
breathing, nothingness
gone now
just say good night
shut out the light
whisper a final I love you
good bye

Blogger Pictures

This is how I am feeling lately...fml

PT

Well I finally figured out how to link this blog to my PT profile...now I am trying pictures but they are not working. I know how to do it but the pics are not coming up...oh well another project for tomorrow. Thanks to all those that helped me today. I love you PT community <3

This was my passion before ED took over my life. I miss it so much :(

First Entry

I have been inspired by my PT friends to start a blog. I think it will be a good way to release feelings and offer me opportunity for reflection. I have been feeling quite unwell lately. I have had multiple infections and about 5 rounds of antibiotics now. I guess my immune system is on holiday.
I am very focussed on losing weight and I wish it could happen faster. I feel like a stranger in my monster body. I feel like I am locked in a cage sometimes and I am not sure who holds the key. Here is a poem that desrcibes my current state of mind:
Can you hear my screams?
I am not breathing, don't you understand?
anxiety grips my soul
tattered and beaten, gasping
such a fool, hiding beneath a mask
what is the truth?
perfect angel, tattered feathers
gasping, lingering
my refuge
I am not afraid, as I hold my last breath
do you hear me?
sweet rapture
life ends here tonight
I am so tired