Love to Lost

Well I thought I post again just to try and get some feelings out. I have been travelling a lot...my way of running away from the reality of my life. It does not really work because I always have to come back home...the home where my beloved husband hung himself on Aug 23, 2011. To this day I am not able to go down to the basement alone. I had my brother and his common law and her daughter move in with me in mid June but sadly it has not helped that much. They live primarily in the basement (it is finished) and I even have trouble going down there when they are there. I have been really trying to deal with my grief issues but I am struggling. The PTSD symptoms are insane! I have fallen back into the world of restricting and have not been able to stop.

I had been receiving a lot of pressure from my in-laws to send them a picture of the monument that I designed for my husband and was finally placed in the cemetery. Problem was that I had been unable to go to the cemetery for over a year. But a few weeks ago I was feeling a bit stronger so I went. This is what I wrote when I got back from the cemetery:

Love to Lost

Two hearts joined as one,
eager anticipation of the life to come
Smiles, hugs, warmth,
the rest of the world disappeared
Love filled the universe,
precious moments, lingering in each others eyes
Countless marriage proposals, happiness

Then came the day of chaos
You walked down those stairs for the last time
You were walking away from me, smiles,
hugs, warmth, and love
Now you are under the earth
Our two hearts are now joined as one by a piece of
cold, hard granite

Oh my love, why did you leave?
I want to lay in the snow next to you
I want to hold your hand and  look into your eyes
Our love that filled the universe was supposed to last forever
I am lost without you



So my in-laws got the pictures they wanted and I am left fighting every minute not to go and lay in the snow next to my husband. I am not afraid to die anymore. I want to be with him, I do not want to live in this messed up world of pain anymore. It is odd that I have actually made it this far. I have a trip planned for Dec 17-24 and I am taking a good friend, otherwise I think I would already be gone. I know deep down that suicide is not the answer...I hate hurting people. Being on the other side of suicide I am acutely aware of the immense pain that it causes...I guess that is my anchor to this world for now. I have been trying to leave a legacy behind...I now have two poems published. I know that my husband would have been very proud...so the publications are bittersweet.

I continue to be trapped with the images of finding my husband and the constant flashbacks from the day of chaos. My only solace at the moment is that I can control what I do or do not put in my mouth. No one is monitoring my weight or blood work so I just continue into the abyss.