Sunday 31 July 2011

Insomnia and other random thoughts...

Insomnia...my living hell. Not only am I tortured by ed's voice during the day...I am now terrorized at night. I take a lot of sleep meds and I am still wide awake. I feel like cutting really bad but I won't right now. I tend to carve words into my body and they scar...I don't heal well. Today has been a bad day...I was very worried about a friend and had to take some drastic measures to ensure her safety...she is okay and still talking to me. So I guess I should feel good about that...right? Why is it then that I feel like a fat fucking shithead. Could be because I polluted my body with food today. So much for my fast...I am a fucking, pathetic loser. I really have no good excuse to give for my existence. I am not worth the air I breathe and I certainly take up way too much space with my fat fuck of a body. Demon food will not get me tomorrow...I am determined not to fail again.
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1 comment:

  1. Anonymous19 August 2011 at 08:44

    Hi love. I don't want to sound like "everyone else" who preaches that they understand... but I do, I do truly understand how you feel and where you are coming from.

    I've been battling ED since the age of 11. As well as cutting and several anxiety disorders. I, too, struggle to sleep every single night. Despite the amount of medication in me to induce sleep... my mind still races. It's constantly calculating food, calories burned, devising plans, telling me I'm shit, etc etc...

    Reading your blog and your struggles... in a sick way sort of comforts me... knowing I'm really not entirely alone. I'm not the only woman who suffers extremes. Setting ourselves up with these impossible goals... that we somehow feel are entirely possible. So when we don't reach them, we end up beating ourselves up. "I should have done better. I should have tried harder. There's no excuse for failure... I am just a fat lazy slob who can't do anything right."

    I don't really know what the point of this comment is... but to tell you that your voice is being heard, I hear you.

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