Starting Over...

Well I have not written in a while..I have been sick again...lung infections etc. I ended up gaining more weight than I am willing to say but needless to say I feel like a grotesque monster. I don't know why I allow myself to eat over my 500 calorie limit because I just end up gaining and hating myself even more than I already do. So today I started over..zero calories. I feel a bit better but I still feel gross. I am going to fast until August 4...come hell or high water. I am not giving up this time! I have to purify my body and soul. I need to rid my body of the demon I call food. I know that I will begin to feel better by day three. Empty and pure...if I eat then I just feel too much and I am tortured by all the bad things that have happened in my stupid life. I will fly free again someday. I will not let the ed clinic get in my way..I will remove myself if I have to. I am going voluntarily so they can't do much unless I am medically unstable...this won't happen because I am sooooo FAT! I just wish that this process of disappearing went a lot faster.