40th Birthday

Well I have survived my 40th birthday. I was very overwhelmed by all of the well wishers...both friends and family <3 I went to see my psychologist today and she really helped me see that I need to grieve the loss of my miscarriage in 1997 and now knowing that I will not be having children...she called it a tragedy...I agree but my hubby is still unwilling to have children.

The highlight of my day was seeing my brother, his girlfriend and her little 3 year old girl. I love them all so much...totally made my day. I got to cuddle and kiss my three year old niece (not by blood but by love she is and always will be my niece). I loved watching her freely playing, drinking cream soda, getting covered in cupcake icing, blowing kisses and talking on her play cell phone. She lit my day right up! I wish that I could be as free as her...she is so loved and I was a neglected child. I feel so honoured to be part of her life.

The eating disorder went crazy today...I let myself eat but now the chatter I have been hearing all day has turned to very loud and aggressive yelling. I want to purge but it is likely too late...fack :(  I want to be free...fly weightless along the treetops.  I want to cut my stomach up but I don't want anymore scars. I am not sure what to do. I wonder if I will ever be okay...