Roller Coaster Day

Today has been an emotional roller coaster...mostly to due with my mother. I asked for a picture of my Gran for my b-day because I want to get it tattoo'd on my shoulder. My mother called me bawling because she could not find it today and asked me if I still wanted her to come see me...she said that she was not good enough for me and laid a huge guilt trip on me. After many tears and calls to my support person and my brother I was calmed down. I have such a messed up relationship with my Mom. I love her but she was not a mother to me...I spent more time with my Gran and she was the light to my darkness and always will be. She passed away in 2005 and my heart aches for her everyday. The day turned out okay...went early b-day shopping. I usually hate clothes shopping but I actually had some fun. I bought new jeans and cute tops from American Eagle Outfitters..a store that I love and have not been able to shop in because I was too fat. I am still a grotesque monster but I have dropped ten sizes so I guess that is an improvement. I just want to be a size zero or 2 again. I miss feeling my bones. Today was day three of my fast and I did well. I was initially nauseated but then felt hyper! I did tons of walking and then when I got home I ventured into the darkness (my closet) and got rid of a lot of clothes and made room for the new ones. I must stay strong and continue to cleanse...

I pray that my weight continues to drop!