Well I am not doing well today. I am so depressed and I can't figure anything out. My husband has told me in no uncertain terms that we will not be having children. I am devastated...I lost a baby in 1997 (miscarriage). I would have a 13 year old now but fml. I know I am not healthy enough to have kids and it would be so complicated because I don't ovulate...so a lot of interventin would be needed.
I am also realling missing my Gran who passed away in 2005. I would do just about anything to be with her. In fact last night I had my hands full of pills and was ready to go. I took 4 and then realized I would be found out so I stopped....seriously fml. So sorry I am just feeling sorry for myself.
Then there was my ED therapy session today. I adore my therapist and normally I leave feeling better. Today I bawled all the way home. She is questioning whether I am staying sick just so that I can continue to be in therapy. I am so confused. She is pushing me to get out of my safety zone and face fears and feelings. I have to do this before she will do EMDR trauma work with me. I also have to be medically stable...whatever. I am so lost and confused. I feel like I am trapped in my monster body and I hate it.
Poem I wrote for today:
tattered feathers, torn and bleeding
falling forever, broken dreams
screaming into the silence, no one to hear me
escape?
I am held steadfast in fear
can't stop the pain
breathing, nothingness
gone now
just say good night
shut out the light
whisper a final I love you
good bye
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